Dear Diary: Darth Vader Edition
by Vaderlicious
Summary: Darth Vader edition of "Dear Diary" series. Find out Vader's innermost thoughts! From going out with a cute senator to thinking the Emperor is Elvis Presley. Rated T for language. Was Fangalicious.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey. This was an idea I thought of not too long ago. Hope you like it...as far as parodies go......**

**XOXO,**

**Fangalicious**

_**Dear Diary; Darth Vader Edition**_

_Day One-_

Dear Diary,

Today I was stuck in a meeting. Freaking Imperial Senators think they're so superior. Whatever.

Saw a cute senator. I think she likes me-she asked for my number. I gave it to her.

Wishing I was Emperor instead of that stupid bastard. Oh well.

~Darth Vader

_Day Two-_

Dear Diary,

Today was uneventful. Watching the progress of the Death Star building isn't my idea of an event.

That Tarkin dude is overseeing the project (besides me of course). Personally, I just think he's conceited.

The senator I saw yesterday? She asked me out. My mask obviously attracts the women, which is kinda awesome. There's one advantage to my breathing apparatus.

Still wish I was Emperor. If only Padme and our child were alive-we could overthrow him. Damn Obi-Wan Kenobi.

~Darth Vader

_Day Three-_

Dear Diary,

Today that senator and I saw a public viewing of a HoloVid. I found out her name-Aisha Lemnaar. Anyway, when we went to buy the tickets, people stared.

Hmmmm....now that I think about it, it kinda made me feel self-concious. *snickers at thought* Why the hell would Darth Vader be self-concious? Anyone in the audience? Anyone? I thought so.....

What the hell, there is no audience. Am I starting to hallucinate or something?

Holy crap, that's not good.

Still not Emperor. Again, damn you, Obi-Wan Kenobi!

~Darth Vader

_Day Four-_

Dear Diary,

I killed three officers today. They came in to report the status of the Death Star-it wasn't going as I pleased.....

Hmmmm.....now that I _really _think about it, I was just in a bad mood. Oh well, too late now.

At least Tarkin is actually intelligent enough to watch his step with me. MWAHAHA! He has no power over me! Hahahaha....stupid Tarkin. You have it coming to you, buddy. I swear it!

Aisha contacted me today. Tommorrow we're going to dinner. Well, I'll 'eat' beforehand. I really don't think she wants to see how I ingest substances.

Come on, people! You know the drill. Say it with me!

"Still not Emperor. DAMN YOU OBI-WAN KENOBI!"

Good job! Oh, wait. That was just me yelling....

~Darth Vader

_Day Five-_

Dear Diary,

Aisha and I had a good time today. I'm pretty sure she enjoyed the food-I have no idea. I didn't think about sifting through her thoughts.

Hmmmm....I'm curious about how she thinks of me. Mental note: find out what Aisha's feeling about me. Ergo-invade her thoughts.

No one was killed today. Sidious and I talked. Well, actually he talked and I just agreed at whatever he said. It's so easy to fool that bastard.

*sigh* I'm still not the Emperor. Why can't that old man like, die already? Seriously....

~Darth Vader

_Day Six-_

Dear Diary,

I watched a HoloVid today. It was a love story-it reminded me of Angel.

At least today Aisha will take my mind off of Padme. Although Aisha is awesome, she will never replace my sweet Angel. No one will.

Not Emperor yet. I'm actually thinking about choking him to death or something. I know I'm stronger.

Actually-now I'm having second thoughts. Scratch my previous plan. I'll wait. For now. Patience isn't my strongest trait, but I'm pretty sure you knew that already.

~Darth Vader

_Day Seven-_

Dear Diary,

Aisha and I had a good time-as per usual. I sifted through her thoughts....they were flattering, but also kinda disturbing if you know what I mean....

The Death Star officers are working faster and harder than usual. I'm thinking they don't want to die choking.

Not Emperor of course. Why can't he die on the toilet like that Earth rock and roll dude? Honestly.

Of course he can't. The Emperor doesn't sing....or does he??? .

~Darth Vader

**Hope you enjoyed some of Darth Vader's innermost thoughts. More is coming up soon!**

**XOXO,**

**Fangalicious**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews!**

**XOXO,**

**Fangalicious**

_**Dear Diary: Darth Vader Edition 2**_

_Day One_

Dear Diary,

Aisha and I broke up. We got into a fight about who would pay the check. Whatever. Women are _so _overrated.

I spied on my Master today. Thank the Maker, he doesn't sing!

Whew, and I thought I was going crazy...

Or am I?

Still not Emperor. I wonder how long it would take for Sidious to suspect that I'm going to kill him sometime in the future?

DAMN YOU OBI-WAN KENOBI!

~Darth Vader

_Day Two_

Dear Diary,

I've decided that I'm going to win Aisha back. There was this other senator, Leia Organa, at the last meeting. She didn't show any interest, but hey, I have the damn mask!

We have another Imperial Senate meeting tommorrow. I know Leia's going to be there. I think.

Let Lord Vader WORK HIS MAGIC!

Still not Emperor. Dammit.

~Darth Vader

_Day Three_

Dear Diary,

I went to the Senate meeting today. It was boring, but on the bright side, Leia was there. On the not-so-bright side, Aisha was too.

So after the meeting, I caught up with Leia and was like, "Hey, want to go out sometime?"

She was like, "Um, no."

And I was like, "Come on, you know you want to..."

And she kicked me. Hard.

It hurt my prosthetics.

Oh, and she called me a pervert. She said I was too old for her.

And I was like, "Whatever. I don't want to go out with you anyway, bitch."

She stomped on my right foot, which REALLY FREAKING HURT!

But what was REALLY unfortunate was that Aisha was right behind us. She heard the whole thing...and saw it.

She laughed at me when I started hopping up and down, holding my right leg.

Okay, new rule. Women are SO last season. And overrated.

Still not Emperor. Damn, this isn't my day.

~Darth Vader

_Day Four_

Dear Diary,

So I went to the medical center today, because my foot was bothering me too much.

The droid dude said my foot was fractured.

It asked how did it happen, and I was like, "A girl stomped on my foot."

I know that if it were a real doctor, it would've laughed at me.

THANK THE MAKER FOR LIFELESS DROIDS!

_Still _not Emperor. Dammit, I hate my life.

~Darth Vader

_Day five_

Dear Diary,

I had to go to the Death Star. Dammit, I didn't want to see Tarkin at all!

But the worst part was that I showed up there....

In crutches.

Damn _crutches _people! Can you imagine, the great Darth vader, in crutches?! Limping across the floor in front of Tarkin?

Tarkin laughed at me. Hard.

I seriously am going to kick his sorry little ass someday.

Still not Emperor. I still blame you, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

~Darth Vader

_Day Six_

Dear Diary,

I had to stay in my hyperbaric chamber. My foot was causing waaay too much pain for me to walk (or limp) even without crutches.

I swear it, Leia Organa! You are going to _pay_.

MWAHAHAHA! The wrath of Darth Vader will inflict itself on Leia Organa!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem. Let's ignore that outburst, shall we?

Please?

Still not Emperor. I will kick his ass if he doesn't die soon.

~Darth Vader

_Day Seven_

My foot was so much better today. I could actually walk without those damnable crutches!

Tarkin is trying to get my favor. He wants to inheirit the clones in case I die.

Yeah, nice try mister!

Just wait....I know who to give them to!

Still not Emperor. *le sigh*

~Darth Vader

**Okaaaay, let's summarize what we have in this update, shall we?**

**Vader broke up with Aisha, which led him to hit on Leia in hopes of making Aisha jealous. **

**His plan failed, (Leia turned him down) which cost him a fracture of his right foot and made a laughing stock. **

**He decides he'll get back at Leia for what she did to him. **

**All wrapped up with the addition of the Emperor not being Elvis Presley, wishing Vader were Emperor and thinking women are overrated.**

**Yuppers, that's about it.**

**Review please!**

**XOXO,**

**Fangalicious**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks a bunch for the reviews!**

**XOXO,**

**Fangalicious**

_Day One-_

Dear Diary,

I finally got rid of those crutches. Damn, it felt good to burn them.

I know that a bunch of you Earthlings are reading my private thoughts. It makes me feel self-concious.

*sigh* Why must you laugh at me?!?! *goes into emo corner*

Dammit. Not Emperor yet.

~Darth Vader

_Day Two-_

Dear Diary,

It took a long time for me to get out of the emo corner. I actually feel better.....

Aisha hasn't contacted me yet. I wish she would. I miss her.

Palpatine sent me to Tatooine to search for this Force-Sensitive dude. He's apparently strong enough in the Force to draw Palpatine's attention.

I guess I'm gonna have to train this bastard. Dammit. I don't want to.

Obviously not Emperor or I wouldn't be going to my damn home planet.

~Darth Vader

_Day Three-_

Dear Diary,

So we arrived at Mos Eisley. I'm working on finding the dude Palpatine's after.

Palpatine seems to be fond of this mysterious person. *sigh* I feel unwanted.

MWAHAHA! I'll kill that Master-stealing-bastard. I swear it, dammit!

Not Emperor or I wouldn't feel left out.

~Darth Vader

_Day Four-_

No luck with finding the stupid human. Damn, I wish I knew his name. Looks like I'm gonna have to search the planet.

Dammit, I don't want to. I'm still in slight pain from Leia. The....physical pain. _NOT _emotional, people! I'm not THAT sensitive.

Not Emperor or I would know that bastard's name.

~Darth Vader

_Day Five-_

Dear Diary,

I found this eighteen year old that's strong in the Force. But WAIT, there's more.

His name is Luke Skywalker.

Luke SKYWALKER people! No one else has that name!

Could he be my son?

Damn, I hope not or else I'm in trouble.

Not Emperor. Duh.

~Darth Vader

_Day Six-_

Dear Diary,

Luke Skywalker is my son.

Crap. Wasn't expecting that.

Now what?

~Darth Vader

_Day Seven-_

Dear Diary,

Luke didn't take the news of me being his father well.

He was like, "Crap, that isn't good!" And then he ran into his room on my ship.

Now what to do? I've never had experience with kids. Especially teenagers.

Advice from my Earthling spies?

~Darth Vader

**Well, it's a slightly different version of Episode 4....but who cares? It's a freakin parody people! Remember that!**

**Oh, and please give advice to Vader. He's upset, poor guy. **

**XOXO,**

**Fangalicious**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for all of the reviews!**

**XOXO,**

**Fangalicious**

_Day One _

Dear Diary,

Well, I acquired some advice, and I think I will go with both of the suggestions. As in, "Well Ani-I mean Vader, as a teen myself I recomend just leaving Luke alone  
for awhile so he can process this very unexpected revelation. Then slowly convince him join you so that you can overthrow Darth Hideous together and rule as father and son."

I think I will start off with that. You do know, Heart Keeper, that I am not a patient person. And please refrain from calling me..._that name_.

Oh, and LOVE the Darth Hideous. Hopefully he didn't find out about that...O.O

And if Heart Keeper's advice doesn't work, I will


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